5 posts tagged “life”
This is my first blog written from Pasco, Washington. In case you didn't know, I moved back home with my parents. It's been a difficult week. As soon as I got here, one of my uncles, who I hadn't really seen since I left for school, passed away from a heart attack. So right away emotions are very high, people are fragile, ancient family history I didn't know about is coming up and here I am still unpacking the damn rental truck. And to top it all off I'm having my "I-miss-my-boyfriend-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here-again-oh-wait-that's-right-I'm-destitute" depression. I feel petty when I talk about it. I know I could be worse off, but I'm really struggling to feel grateful or thankful about the whole situation.
On the brighter side I've gotten to spend more time with my nice whom I adore, and Mama Hughes who promises me things like pony rides and money in exchange for having an OCD cleaning fest on her house. I just can't wait to get to be creative again and start making stuff, which is usually what Mama Hughes do or talk about when we hang out. It's amazing I'm actually feeling the urge to draw and get things out on paper again.
Good luck me, I hope you come out of this with something you like.
Went and had tea with Kara yesterday. tea was lovely, the cupcakes fantastic, the news bad. I was hoping to get a letter like i did last time but, word of mouth will have to do. I'm an old navy reject, again. they had to cut their incoming interns from 20 down to 12, and somehow i still didn't get in. i just wish i knew what i was doing wrong or what happened, but I'm really not trying to dwell on it, there is no point in it.
Moving back home is now back on the table more than ever. I just need to have a good reason to do it. I refuse to go home in defeat. Living here in the bay and just barely making it isn't getting me anywhere. I'm 130k in debt and need desperately need to get to the next stage of my life. The next stage doesn't appear to be fashion right now, and I'm okay with waiting on that. it doesn't mean I'm going to stop creating or making, it just means no one is hiring fashion n00bs, despite their qualifications.
i need to see what the climate is like back home and see what kind of work i can get up there. if i go back it will be to fundraise. I want to move to japan with matt and teach english. the possibilty of us being placed in the same place is slim which is what worries me. i don't like doing anything by myself i'm very much a people person and he's my favorite person. so i need to re-evaluate my love for japan and how would i really feel about living by myself in a foreign country where i will at best know enough of the language to survive.
much weighs on my mind, thanks for all your encouragement.
some miraculous change needs to occur very early on in the new year. I say that because i realized/accepted/considered today for the first time that i need to move home. I have failed at finding enough work to keep me afloat. I don't have enough, and wont make enough to pay January rent. I don't want to leave my friends, or my boyfriend, or the bay area, or my new job teaching the kids. I don't want to go to the tri-cities, be forced to work at the mall, see people who thought i made it out think i failed, have to keep my personal beliefs to my self, to have no opportunity to move forward in my career.
It's really hard for me to admit defeat, i'm a terrible loser when it comes to things i care about. i don't even want to post this blog. i like you guys i don't want you to feel bad for me or think that i've fallen on my path and that all my big dreams and hopes were never really within my reach or think that i'm delusional about my ability to achieve.
i've lost my mojo people, i'm not sure how to proceede.
I'm moving to LA, and no I don't have a job, but thats where the entry level jobs are at, so thats where I need to be.
"all i wanna know is..... who's comin with me?" -half baked (much like this plan)
Seriously, I know someone needs to go to grad school (hint hint, plz check out USC and UCLA)
A few of you also need a change of scenery and a job in your field.
you only live once (also rent is cheaper there than here in the bay!)
LETS DO THIS!
So winter break is almost over for me and here is a small re-cap
December:
15th: I Breathed my first sigh of relief and had my first non school related thoughts. Went shopping with Mama Hughes
and had lunch and talked fiber went to Dharma trading co. in San
Rafael. i love when we get to hang out, she is totally my fiber
buddy/mentor!Went to two parties the CCA faculty holiday get together, and a few of us fashion kids at a dive bar where drinks en fuego and karaoke were had. then we went to a strip club, i bought Andrew a lap dance and was amazed at the talent that these girls have at pole dancing! seriously amazing, it was like being at a sexy circus! very drunk, really good time. i forgot how much fun strip clubs are!
17th: Went shopping in San Francisco at the ferry building with the famed Madame Em. We indulged like never before, with bombolini from Boriana's, cupcakes from Miette, Herb slab from Acme, and an amazing five spice chicken sandwich from Out The Door. We were there doing x-mas shopping, honest! We checked out stinky cheese and the far west fungi's "poo log" so you can grow your own mushrooms. We had a lovely as usual. Later that evening, on our way to the office bowling party, Matt got a ticket and i was bummed the rest of the night because he beasted in the car. I'm a sensitive girl who takes everything personally, how can i not be sad?
18-19th: Was lazy.
20th: Had breakfast at Ihop with Kara then took her to the airport. Yay for good times!
21st: Drove home. 13.5 hrs. Record Time. Basic B performed fantastically!
22-25th: hung out with family. here are some pics, of the fam and festivities.
27-29th: Was lazy. played with the Wii that matt's mom got us.
30th: Matt and I miraculously made it to Bellingham, thanks to kenny for getting us over the pass safely. Saw Sweeny Todd which rocked. I've never liked a musical before, but this was fantastic.
31st: Got hooked on the cooking mama game for DS. Had an awesome new years eve with Allison, Jesse, Paige, Aaron and Katy and our other guild mates, Scott and Peter. ha ha, nerds... but i ate too much food and coulden't get drunk despite the bottle of rum Paige and i emptied. then when we got home i started my evening coughing ritual which turned into gagging and then i threw up. missing the toilet by an ironic inch, my puke went all over the dog and the bathtub. then i was puking so hard that my nose started bleeding, now that is something i haven't done since i was a kid! our bodies are amazing machines!
January:
1st-4th: Spent lots of quality time with my BFF, we kicked ass at cranium and loved every minute of our inevitable glory!! Took the greyhound back to the tri-cities. Seriously the most colorful people in the state travel that way! Nearly all the people we over heard talking to one another had done time, been in re-hab or was visiting a spouse inprison for their annual conjugal visit. Layed over in Seattle for 4 hours, walked ourselves downtown to Uwajimaya's for dinner and shopping. I had the squid stuffed with mushroom fried rice, d-fucking-licious! here's a bad picture of it. Bought cool stuff at the kinokunia bookstore, bull terrier 2008 callender, another mamegoma cellphone charm, and an A3 sized portfolio.
5-8th: Was lazy. Watched almost the entire first season of "Paranormal State" and now i'm completely addicted. had troubling family issues. and then was more lazy.
9th: Drove back to Oakland. 17 hours. Terrible weather and road conditions. Basic-B was fantastic as always. It's funny to see the "Welcome to California" sign with 12 feet of snow piled around it. Made it in one piece.
10th: i tried to catch up on my life that i kind of abandoned a little less than a month ago. toll evasion notices, over due bills, i quit my therapist, closed my B of A card. Still only half way done catching up. Nearly avoided being in the middle of an armed robbery by about 20 minutes, scary. I need to focus on my extensions and preparing for next semester. I still don't know if i'm going to LA or not, mostly because i don't want to go alone and because i have like, no money.
more later...
